peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
