It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?