I wish my penis had an off switch
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
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I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later