the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
