Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
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If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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