why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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