I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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