I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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