I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
