Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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