Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
