addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i barfeds in our rink
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
