Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
