I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this beer tastes like vomit already
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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