I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
