I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
