Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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