everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
