We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
