I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
