This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
