i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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