My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
