i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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