Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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