i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
