Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
