I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
