he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
