Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
