Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
