i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
