Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
