You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
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I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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