We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
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I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
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I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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