I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
