They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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