Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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