where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
