Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
