hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just gargled with NyQuil
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
