I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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