Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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