Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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