Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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