I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
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My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
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I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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