where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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