Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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