Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
