So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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