Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
