Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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