Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
