she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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