I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
