There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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