you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
