i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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