I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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