Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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