There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
