is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
